I was directly responsible for his death.”“When did you first pull the trigger?” she asked. Then she raised up on her knees so she could look directly at me and said, “I’m not being morbid. I really am trying to figure out how you became you.”There was something behind her words... something hidden behind her innocent face. Something was deeply troubling her. I think she was trying to figure out who she was and what she would become. But her only way of handling it... for now... was to ask me how I became me.“The first time wasn’t a trigger,” I said softly. In my mind I was suddenly back on a dark side street in Mexico City. “I was in Mexico City,” I finally said. “I was down there to install some special equipment for El Presidente. Unfortunately, someone high up in the Mexican police thought I was a secret agent trying to sniff out corruption or drug traffickers– meaning them– so they put out a contract on me. I had to leave for a while to give the right people time to talk to the. ”“I don't understand… You both knew you both were married.”“I knew he was married because when we first met, he told me. I didn't know he was married to you. I didn't even know you at that point.”“But then you found out. And you kept going anyway. Both of you did.”“We stopped before--”“It hurt so much, realizing that one of my best friends… If he had been with a stranger… Are you sure that's not his baby?”“We told you: we had an emotional affair, not a physical one. And it ended--I ended it, I was the one who ended it, months before my husband impregnated me.”“How did Kevin get over it?”“He didn’t. We’re maneuvering through the wreckage.”“Why?”“Why what?”“Why did you… Why did Q…”“I can't speak for Quigley. Do you ever glance at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘Ugh, I look terrible’ and avert your eyes from your reflection?”“On occasion.”“How often?”“Maybe once a month, when I am PMSing.”“Try once a day, every day. This bun in my oven halted my PMS temporarily, but I continue feeling.
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